Friends and Work

Me: I was at the firm golf outing last night and after everyone was done playing we hung out at the eating area and ate and drank and played drinking games. Of course, I participated but I felt out of place - not because I didn't fit in or was unwelcome, quite the contrary the people I work with are very welcoming and friendly and I do get along with all of them, but one of the things I noticed was that most, if not quite all, of the people there were not people I would choose to make friends with. It's not that I don't like them or don't enjoy their company but it's not the same quality of companionship that I tend to look for in my friends.
I understand the need to have time to not think about weighty things and to have time to not think at all but I spent a long time cultivating the friends that I do have that I never see anymore and I miss them.
I know I have a good future here and i know I'll make friends and meet people who are more along the lines of what I'm used to but I miss my friends
M: the thing is, times of life get you different kinds of friends - high school, then college, then grad school - these are people who know you when you're still figuring out exactly who you are, and in some ways shape you
Me: Yes but none of those people are here.
I was looking around the room - there were maybe about 30 people there after most of the others had left and every one of them, even the woman who just started three weeks ago had contacts and connections and friendships with each other and the community that I just don't have.
I mean I have them, just not here.
It's not for lack of fitting in - you know me - I can fit in anywhere if I have to but its not quite... Me... You know?
M: I do know
I just think it takes a lot longer than you ever think it should
Me: heh
M: and friends post-schooling are just always going to be a little different
Me: sure and I accept that
but i suppose the difference is that these are lawyers and only a few of them have science or engineering backgrounds
I know you don't have one, but you're different
and
M: *grin*
Me: lawyers are a very different breed of people
M: do you feel closer, or more kinship with, the ones who do have science or engineering in their past?
Me: lawyers who've never worked in any other field post undergrad and pre-law school are given this unrealistic view of what its like to be employed full time
M: um, yeah
Me: As a lawyer I have an incredible amount of freedom and flexiblity and entitlement that I never had as an engineer
and it makes me look at work very differently as compared to people who've never had a full time job other than lawyering
in fact many people have commented to me on that
and the ones who have worked in other fields are the ones I'm more inclined to hang out with
unfortunately those are few and far between in this profession
M: so many of them are born and bred to it, it's true
Me: the science and engineering people tend to be more....
down to earth
than the poli-sci people
i don't know
again, i'm not putting liberal arts people down because there are exceptions to every rule :-)
M: liberal arts & law are SO not the same thing though! poli-sci is just their code word in their fledgling stage...
Me: i meant lawyers who were poli-sci majors as oposed to lawyers who have degrees in the hard sciences
lemme rephrase my earlier statement
the lawyers with science and enginneering degrees tend to be more down to earth thatn the lawyers with liberal arts degrees
M: oh ok
*smooths ruffled feathers with an air of great chagrin*
Me: it seems to me there lawyers with liberal arts degrees tend to have always wanted to be lawyers or have "fallen" into law because there wasn't anything better to do but lawyers with science degrees went to school to study science and tend to have made the decision to go to law school with a more measured analysis
does that make sense?
M: yep
Me: I didn't mean to pick on liberal arts majors I was shortcutting by leaving out the "lawyers who were" part
I apologize
I think the "lawyers who were" part makes all the difference
sorry about that
also rephrasing another ealier comment:
many people have commented that my outlook on work is very different than most new associates that they have seen
that I give off the impression that I'm not intimiated by my supervisors and that I'm not out to prove anything
and that I give an air of competence and ability that most new hires that have never had a full time job don't quite pull off
and I think that puts another kind of barrier up - I think it may go to my head sometimes
M: huh. is it b/c people who grow up wanting to be lawyers also grow up with this almost instinctual respect for the hierarchy, with the concomitant awe/fear of those at the top?
Me: lol
wow
I think people who want to be lawyers want to be a part of the system
its like people who want to work on Wall Street
they have a certain attitube about life that can be distateful to people who aren't in those professions
all the steroetypes about lawyers and financiers generally do apply to the kinds of people who really want to work in those fields
M: i know, it's weird
Me: I say I'm an engineer first because the connotations with being an engineer are, to me, much more prefferable than the connotations of being a lawyer
I wholeheartedly embrase the engineering sterotype of being a bookish nerd
I am a Geek and damn proud of it
but a money grubbing heartless shark of a lawyer I am not
there is an undercurrent of money and power when the partners get together no matter how nice they are (and most of them are genuinely nice people), when money and power come in to play I'm certain all bets are off
and while I can be friends with them, and I do consider many, if not most of them my firends, its not the same type of friendship that I have with people who I don't have a financial and job related relationship with
M: you don't think that would be the same no matter what large company you were working for, at least for the most part?
Me: its a different dynamic
as an engineer I had the possibility of becoming partner and becoming a co-owner of the firm after maybe 30 or 35 years of work
here the partner track is about 8 to 10 years
and once you become a partner the financial benefits increase dramatically but so does the self-interest
I was having a conversation with another engineer type attoney who does Environmental law last night after everyone else had left - we were the last two people standing in the parking lot after the staff had left too and he was telling me about his take on office politics
the fact of the matter is that once you become a partner and see the kind of money you can make at the expense of associates you quickly become assimilated into the culture as it stands and any thoughts of changing that structure tend to vanish
there's almost a generational thing in it too
M: hmmmm
Me: some of the older attorneys, my superivsor among them, are keen to make sure the new associates are trained and cultivated to ensure the firm has a future after they are gone, but it seems like the middle aged attorneys don't seem to have that long term vision and only care about the bottom line
that said
this firm is a heck of a lot better than most others I know about
M: is everyone, really everyone, that concerned with making the most money possible, no matter what? so sad
Me: politics aside, I can at least have frank discussions with the partners and can be pretty certain that I'm not being taken for a ride on an individual basus
but once you get a group of people to gether all bets are off
a group bears almost no resemblence to the individual parts
because if each individual had any reservations about anything, they can always claim that the decision was not their's but the group's
that's a reality I have to live with
any wonder I'm not completely entralled with making close friends with the people I work with? I do want to be friends with them but I know there will always be this barrier where I have to tred carefully and I don't want to have to worry about where I step with my friends
M: group dynamics are rather terrifing
on the other hand, if you have a real connection with someone, you'll be real friends, and you won't have to worry where you step
the problem is real friends are few and far between (usually)
like, REAL friends - y'know?
Me: right
and you will have many mis-steps with many people before you find those people
M: oh yes
Me: do I want to risk it with these people or should I play it safe?
I'm not sure I want to deal with that question
and all the more reason to miss the friends I do have now
M: how long now have you been there?
Me: just over a year
I don't have any worries about losing my job
I know the firm needs me more than I need them
I can make much more money at a large city and at most large cities I have many more old friends and family around
I am a part of the firm and I am accepted as such
and I'm pretty sure that most people here see me as a friendly guy and I am, I'm just not close friends with any of them yet
M: it's hard - & rare, i think - to feel that way at any job
Me: its funny when I was an engineer I was the social guy - I brought the firm together
apparently when I left people stopped hanging out as much
and things got quiter
I'm still in touch with several people there
M: nice
Me: I'm not quite there over here yet